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November 13 Ryan's milestonesRyan has started to be more verbal over the last 2 weeks.
Not only is he babbling more, he is also using a lot more "real" words and also more expressions.
Last week he made me proud by being able to put together 2 word sentences. He is showing that he is connecting thoughts and it just amazes me so much. How can somebody so tiny grow up so quickly and able to converse to me his needs?
Everytime he says "Pain pain", I will ask him where and he will point to let me know. He has this funny little "pain" on his right leg which he always points to me. After a while, I think he just said it to me to get my attention, so I will ask "Really?" He will then smile and proceed to bend over to kiss his little leg.
I was worried that as a boy Ryan will be all tough and insensitive, so from a very young age, I have taught him to be considerate. So, now, whenever he gets excited/ frustrated, he will start to hit whatever in his way (that includes me sometimes). So, instead of smacking him, I told him that it hurts (be it tables or chairs or mummy) and then ask him to "sayang" back and kiss it. So now, he will do this everytime he hits something. It is just so fulfilling that this is getting through to him. I hope that Ryan will grow to be a considerate person.
Ryan's daddy is always palying roughly with him and my heart skips a beat every time father and son rolls around. Sometimes Daddy Ryan will smack his little bum to play, and sometimes this little smack can be "to smack-y" and Ryan will show a face of pain. Every time I confront Daddy Ryan, he will deny and say that Ryan is fine. However, Ryan can now tell me about it and say "Mama .... daddy ... pain pain ... tock tock" so then I will know that Daddy Ryan has smacked his buttock till he is now in pain. Daddy Ryan watched out!!!
Ah .... having a kid is certainly fulfilling but it has not yet compensated for the worry I have about his future.
Anyway, I have not regretted one bit about having Ryan. He is now the love of my life (shh ... don't let Daddy Ryan know - he is already going green in envy!) Hehehe .... October 31 Kissing & huggingRyan has been able to kiss and hug us for some time now.
However, last Sunday, while playing with Ryan on the sofa, he looked me deep into the eyes and came up to me with his hands cupping my face and planted a kiss on my left cheek.
Talk about bliss man, I was so touched, I cried. I know, I am a softie, but I am also a proud mother.
Muak Muak!! AmazingSlightly over a month ago, as we were having dinner, Ryan suddenly called out "Jie Jie", "Gor Gor", "Poh Poh", "Goong Goong" - I was elated! After the delightful moment blew over, I wonder if Ryan really knows/ can differentiate who is who. Again, Ryan surprised me by actually being able to point to the right person and called out to them.
2 weeks ago, my parents were in town and decided to drop in at nanny's to see Ryan. That evening when I fetched Ryan, he told me "Poh Poh", "Goong Goong" .... repeatedly until I asked if "Poh Poh and Goong Goong came to see you?" ... to which he nodded in agreement.
Amazing.
And for the longest time that I can remember (which is quite a few months ago), Ryan has managed to let me know exactly what he wants by nodding in agreement or shaking his head in disagreement. Again, I wondered if he knows what I am saying. My thoughts were confirmed when one day I was asking if he wanted to change his nappies and he shook his head. I proceeded to change anyway and was met with a sudden burst of temper and cries and the harderst pry you ever encountered! So, I am convinced that he actually understands me.
Amazing.
September 01 Ryan is sickYou know what? This virus has got to stop itself circulating! I didn't get to go to Ikano on merdeka eve cause Ryan came down with a high fever! The doctor gave me some medication and after taking that he immediately puked all over! I tell you, next to my ex-neighbour at work, being puked on is the next most hated thing for me! Unfortunately, i cannot do anything about this....
In the middle of the night, Ryan got hotter and hotter, so I had to bundle him up with his bear and stuff, looking at the possibility that he was going to be admitted. But the hospital said it is ok and sponged him - i tell you i could not breathe when i heard him screaming because of the chillness! no book or any degree could possibly prepare me for this man! i was so close to tears! And they say motherhood is a life time process, i cannot imagine it if it got any worse than this.
Thankfully though he got better yesterday although his fever did not completely go away. But then i was so bad i slept through the 2.30am panadol dose and he was with fever again this morning! I tell you, motherhood has given me a strange power i did not know existed in me - the power of unconditional love and sleepless nights.
As of now, i am super groggy and just dying to go sleep and yet, my powers will come back when Ryan needs me. April 20 Family tiesI just finished watching Family Law .. never really did fancy it before, but after watching it a couple of times, I thought that it was quite good. Plus, it has Tony Danza in it and I loved him since "Who is the boss?" days ...
Anyway, today's episode was particularly moving.
It was about a woman who has a son with some bone marrow disorder and destined to die. The mother was 24 weeks pregnant and she planned to induce her child with the hope of getting the baby's stem cells to the elder son. Many legals terms came into play questioning the legality of the mother's decision etc.
Anyway, in the end, the mother did deliver the baby ... but the stem cells were not useful ... her elder son died on the operating table.
It was a sad ending, but one which no doubt showed the ordeal which a mother was willing to go through in the hope of saving her child. In this case, the mother had to make a difficult decision of whether to keep the baby and giving up the elder child or risking the life of the baby with a hope of saving the elder child.
The only consolation the mother had at the end was that her baby is going to make it through.
And I was crying at the end of the show .... April 10 Moving on ...Today I felt a deep sense of sadness and pride, yes, both together.
Why? you may ask.
Well, today I packed away some of Ryan's first toys, namely:
1) his musical mobile which used to hang over his cot. I remember buying this from Jusco in Wangsa Maju and I also remember seeing his happy little face when he was enjoying it. It used to amuse his little heart and he loved the music and the littler toys going round and round. Several months later, he was able to grab on the little soft toys and would sometimes pulled them off. Now, he would just seize the toys and then throw them on the floor when he is done. Yup, he has really grown.
2) his paymat. This was something which Auntie Jenny bought for him. It is a colourful mat with a little tunnel look alike and 3 animal sounds which you can "poke" at. There are also some hangin mobiles which you can reach out for. When he was younger and could not roll over, I used to put him under the mobiles and he would spend time looking at them, later, grabbing them and now, the toys are dismantled for his creative plays. When he was younger, he used to laugh at the animal sounds and would look around for the source. Now, he can point to the source. More recently, he has even tried to crawl through the tunnel and poke his head out to smile at us.....
3) his walker. This is something which I put off in buying since I had read all those reasons why this is not encouraged. But still, I bought it for him after deciding that I should not "deprive" him of this typical Malaysian childhood item. So, I went to World pf Cartoons in Mid Valley and bought him one green coloured one with a musical pad which he can press and various sounds would be heard. I remember his expression when he first sat on it and the smile he had when he discovered that he could cover more places in this. Then, one day, he decided that he enjoyed the freedom he got from crawling and had since prgress to cruising and then to proper walking. This walker was not longer needed.
I had procastinated in this packing for some months now. I had tried to chide myself into believing that perhaps he still needs all these things.
Then today, I decided that this is a phase that I must deal with and that I should not hold on to the past. Day by day Ryan is showing signs of independance and growth. I am so so proud of him and sometimes I just want to hold on a little longer, savour in the moment for a little while.
While I am proud of him, I still cannot help but to feel a sense of sadness .... sadness for not being able to relive all those initial moments with him.
I am not sure if all mothers feel the same or if I am being overly emotional. All I know is that Ryan is growing and I am embracing it with love and I pray everyday I am doing the right thing for him. God bless... March 22 My ordealMy wrist has been hurting me again - something called the De Quevervain's sindrome.
After months of pain and treatment, I finnaly underwent a surgery to get rid of the pain permanently.
I went to the hospital yesterday at 7am to get myself checked in and was sent to the OT at 8.30am. Although it was a 15mins procedure, I was in there for about an hour.
A week before, the doctor had asked if I wanted a LA or a GA during the procedure and I had about 80% of my mind made up for a GA. I was told that although I cannot feel or see my surgery, I would be fully awake to hear all the commotion and the conversation of the surgery....I thought that I cannot bear to go through that!
Howver, lying there on the table and having the doctor asked me again for the last time, I decided to go against every nerve in my mind and said that I want a LA.
WHY?!
Well, this is done for the love of my child.
In the event if I had taken a GA, all my precious milk would have to be dumped, else the poor kid is going to be quite in a daze.
So, there I was on the table, totally aware of what was going round the whole time and even had conversations and jokes with the doctor and nurses. At one point, the doctor was convinced that I would not have gone through with the LA and would have to knock me out completely.
But, I presevered and bit my lip to go through with it...and would you even believe it? I even saw my own wound - yup, the hole in my wrist and the veins and the tendon in it too. Did you know that your tendons were white? Luckily, my arm was tied up with some pressure and therfore, blood was not oozing out.
I was able to leave by noon and the doctor gave me some pain killers for the wound in case it hurts after the anesthesia wears off.
And it did wear off by night and man! did it hurt. You can feel all the veins hurting as if someone pulled it and played with it.
But did I eat those pain killers?
No man .... and all for the love for my child. I am not going to have him take all these unneccessary medication.
Now I reflect on all those movies where you see mothers who do unthinkable things for their children and showed what unconditional love means.
I do not think that my ordeal was in comparison to that, but I understand what unconditional love means now....
And yes, my kid did get all the milk I ultimately pumped for him. Lucky boy! December 10 A mother's encouragementMy mother said to me ....
"If you become a soldier, you will be the general."
"If you become a monk, you will be the pope."
Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. A wise womanWhen Mother Teresa received her Nobel Prize, she was asked, "What can we do to promote world peace?"
She replied, "Go home and love your family." A mother's loveShe broke the bread into 2 fragments & gave them to the children, who ate with avidity.
"She hath keep none for herself", grumbled the sergeant.
"Because she is not hungry", said a soldier.
"Because she is a mother", said the sergeant
- Victor Hugo (1802-1885)
All mothers are rich when they love their children.
There are no poor mothers, no ugly mothers, no old mothers.
Their love is always the most beautiful of joys.
- Maurice Maeterlinck (1862-1949)
You may have tangible wealth untold
Caskets of jewels & cofers of gold
Richer than I you can never be -
For I had a mother who read to me
- Strickland Gillian (1869-1954)
A mother's believe in her childA partially deaf boy came home from school one day carrying a note from the officials at the school. The note suggested that the parents take the boy out school, claiming that he was "too stupid to learn."
The boy's mother read the note & said, "My son Tom isn't "too stupid to learn". I'll teach him myself." And so she did.
When Tom died many years later, the people of the United States of America paid tribute to him by turning off the nation's lights for a full minute. You see, this Tom had invented the light bulb, and not only that, the motion pictures & the record player. In all Thomas Edisaon had more than one thousand patents to his name.
- God's Little Devotional Book for mums
My focus on lifeSome people ask me how has my life changed now that I have Ryan.
Before, I would be so into my work, the latest band in town, the latest movie released and whether I have seen it or whether I will be in town this weekend or should I go visit my boyfriend (now my hubby) outstation or whether I should go home to cook or should I have a meal outside with my friends.
Now, my focus has changed completely. I no longer want to work late (unless I have a mega urgent project), instead I want to rush home to pamper Ryan. I no longer bother with the latest movie or the latest music album in town, knowing that watching and listening to Ryan is the ultimate blockbuster and chart topper. I no longer go where I want; instead I will always plan my out of the house venture into places which are baby friendly. I no longer go when I want to; instead I will plan it around Ryan’s sleep time. I no longer eat unhealthy food stuff, knowing that health to me is more important than ever to ensure that Ryan has a set of healthy parents to depend on.
Some people will tell me that I am being silly in bending my needs and wants just to accommodate a baby. But I am telling you, when you are a mother, all your personal needs and wants are secondary to you. All that matters is that your kid is healthy and happy. All you wish for is for your kid to have a good life, for your husband to be a good father and for yourself to be a great mother. All you ever want now is the very best for your kid.
Do I mind not spending as much time with friends? Do I miss my own time out? Do I feel left out in the trends that is coming and going? Do I wish I could have my old lifestyle back?
Sometimes I reflect on these questions and I will see Ryan creeping up to me to give me a pat and a cheeky smile and all my reflections will melt away….Yup, my focus in life has definitely changed! October 25 Missing babyToday I am in the house all alone, no baby, no mischief, no noise (except the loud blast from the radio), no crying, no baby saying "mi mi mi" (as in mummy), no baby patting my leg for attention ... no smiles for me.
Yup, I am all alone at home, recuperating from this virus that Ryan has managed to pass on to me. Sore throat that won't heal, cough that is on-going .... sigh, the damage a baby can do and he is not even one year old yet!
It is now over 7.5 months now that I have been mummy and it still has not fully settled in yet. I mean, I get up every morning and I look at this little guy who is so dependant on me for everything that sometimes it overwhelms me just by his looks!
And I do not deny the fact that sometimes I get all teary eyed when I look at his little face slowly growing into a toddler and before I know it, he will be going to school, getting his own friends and then a girlfriend and pretty soon, he will leave to be on his own.
Sometimes when I cuddle him, I will whisper to him all my hopes and all my wishes and all my wonders and he will look at me with those big black eyes, somehow trying to understand me, I guess. Most of the time he will just smile back, sometimes, he will pat me on my face, as if to acknowledge what I am saying.
There are times too that I wish time will just freeze so that I get to have him just a little longer, to keep him in my arms for a little while and to have him depend on me for a little more. I know I am just being selfish for wanting him for myself, but it is just difficult sometimes to know that this little guy is going to finally be on his own.
Already now he has started to crawl and to move around quite a bit and I sometimes wish he was still the baby he was months ago when he depended solely on me to move him around. The irony was that then I wished he would just grow up the next day so I do not have to be tied to him all day long ... and now I wish that moment would have lingered on.
But of course, things are not always so smooth, there are times when I would be frustrated, especially when Ryan starts to cry all night, or when he won't go to sleep and I have to get up pacifying him, losing sleep as a result. But I always remind myself that there are people out there who do not have a baby to look after, that there are people out there just yearning to have my frustration just so that they have a baby in their arms ... and I would actually feel blessed that I have a kid to take care of despite all the downsides.
And I would hear my mum saying that it is not easy being a mother, that it is not easy to get a baby, that it is a blessing to have a normal kid who does normal stuff like this ... and I would actually smile despite Ryan's tantrums.
Sigh ... now he is at nanny's and I am alone at home. I will miss him the whole day and I will look forward to seeing him in the evening. As of now, seeing his toys is enough to get me through the day....bless you little Ryan for the joy that you have brought to mummy's (and daddy's) life.Words cannot express all the love and happiness we have for you, more so from mummy who intuitively knew your presence from the moment you were formed ... see you in the evening then.
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